she played with crayons instead of barbies. [trigger #108]

Betsy Rae just didn’t know what to do with her daughter, Bonnie. Ever since she found out she was pregnant with Bonnie, she had dreamed of having a little girl. Her mind had flooded with thoughts of beauty contests, make-up, Barbies, dresses, baking, and nail-polish. Suddenly, she felt a hope that she would be able to relive the wonder and innocence of her own childhood through the childhood of Bonnie.

At least, that was Betsy Rae’s plan. The reality of the last 16 years had been very different, indeed. Bonnie quickly lost interest as a child in all the girlie things her mother tried to share with her. Bonnie’s teenage years had made things even worse for poor Betsy Rae. Bonnie responded to baking as if all the ingredients were made of poison. If she ever wore make-up it was not what Betsy Rae considered flattering or lady-like. As a child she played with crayons instead of Barbies, as a teenager she spent more time with her paintbrushes than with boys. Betsy Rae was at a total loss as to how this alien creature could have come from her own body.

At times, Bonnie had been known to say some pretty controversial things at church during Sunday School as well. Betsy Rae was just sure that there was gossip about her family behind her back because of it. Still worse, she wasn’t sure it was misplaced. They had raised a freak. Betsy Rae didn’t even know if she was a Christian anymore, and even worse, she thinks Bonnie might be a socialist.

a copper ring around his iris. [trigger #69]

Endoran was a stupid place. Marcion hated it. Nothing ever happened, there were never any other children to play with, and it always smelled of burned eggs.

The reason for nothing ever happening was that The Committee controlled everything, no one would ever dare so much as go on a picnic without permission, and permission took a very long time to come by. Old Man Proctor had been waiting for permission to replace his jammed doorknob for three years, so he’s spent those three years climbing into his house by the window. Poor old man.

The reason there were no children was that there were strict laws concerning childbearing, and his parents were the only eligible couple in the entire village. So, until they got permission to make him a sibling, Marcion was alone.

The smell of burned eggs was because his grandmother, Lucinda, was a terrible cook who nonetheless insisted on cooking, and eggs were her favorite food. Each morning, she would throw eggs on a skillet on the wood fire stove, at which time she would sit beside the stove and promptly doze off until the smell of burning eggs brought Mother in to wake Grandmother up and throw the eggs into the fire. Every morning! The smell made Marcion want to puke all over everyone.

There were rumors that things were far more exciting in the neighboring nation of Kalingar. Marcion heard stories that they had far less rules there, that there were many more children, and that they even had huge birds the size of houses! Marcion longed to go there, or anywhere that wasn’t Endoran.

Today was Slumpday, which meant the one day of the week with no chores or work for anyone. It would have been wonderful if there were actual children to play games with, but as it was, Marcion was sitting in the village circle, picking at the dirt with a stick.

“Boy, can you tell me what village this is? I’ve been in Endoran for weeks and they all still look alike to me.”

Marcion looked over his shoulder at the source of the voice. He couldn’t make his brain understand what was happening. He was flabbergasted. No one travelled in Endoran, at least almost no one. Other than Committee members, it took years to get permission to travel, and since each village was the same as the next, and the landscape was barren desert, no one ever felt it was worth it to go through the trouble. Whenever someone actually did put in for a travel pass, by the time it was approved they’d either lost the urge to travel, or they were dead. The only thing more rare than an Endoran traveller was a foreigner traveling in Endoran, the borders had been closed for centuries, and the penalty for being caught harboring a foreigner was lifetime imprisonment.

“What’s the matter, boy? Cat got your tongue?”

Marcion just moved his mouth wordlessly, trying to make sense of what was happening. It did seem his tongue had stopped working, and while he didn’t know what a cat was, he thought perhaps one did have his tongue after all.

The man came and sat beside Marcion. “Sorry son, I didn’t mean to startle you. I guess you don’t get much in the way of visitors here. I’m Stanton, but my friends call me Stanton. What’s your name?”

“M..m..marcion.” Stanton smiled. Marcion looked at him more closely. He was tall, far taller than Marcion was used to. His legs were skinny and his pants were bright orange. His shoes were green, just like the plants The Committee sent for food sometimes. He was wearing a purple shirt with a huge collar, over a rust colored coat that looked far too warm for a day like today, or just about any day in Endoran for that matter. No one in Endoran wore anything that wasn’t brown, so these clothes were quite striking. Stanton clearly wasn’t taking great pains to avoid notice.

As Marcion continued his appraisal of the stranger, he noticed that Stanton’s hair was red, and his face was covered with freckles; the iris of each eye was a startling blue, but around each iris was a copper colored ring. Marcion had never seen anyone with rings like that before; once he noticed them, it was hard to look away.

“Well, hello M..m..marcion. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Would you mind telling me what village this is? I would be awfully grateful to you.”

“This village is called Sabbia. But you shouldn’t be here. It’s dangerous. You’d be put to death if someone saw you.”

“You see me, are you going to put me to death?”

“No, I mean someone else. A grown-up.”

Stanton smiled. He slid his index finger along the side of his nose and winked. “Well, you let me worry about that, friend. I can take care of myself, alright. Fancy an orange?”

my parents married each other twice. [trigger #60]

My parents married each other twice. I suppose in and of itself that isn’t too extraordinary. There are plenty of couples who get married and divorced and remarried to each other for various reasons: there are the folks who live and love and fight with so much passion that they can’t live together or apart, and there are folks who just fool themselves into thinking things will be different the second time around. Then there are the folks who elope or get married on a trip to Vegas and do it a second time so their family can join in on the fun.

My parents weren’t like those couples.

My dad was a mob lawyer. He defended the worst of the worst in the world of organized crime. He was the guy who found the loopholes, discovered ways to throw out evidence, and just generally made sure that the guilty avoided incarceration. He was good at it, and it made him very wealthy and powerful in very little time.

It took a huge toll from him and our family. He had to split off a part of his own mind in order to keep from facing the things he’d done. His conscience and his actions could never meet, so he had to put up a thick wall in his heart to keep the two apart. As can be expected, a life of duplicity can take quite a toll on a marriage, so after a few years of fights and tears, my mother left my father.

Four years after the finalization of the divorce, my dad got religion. In short order, he repented of his life of crime and started planning to turn himself over as a federal witness. Before he went, he reconnected with my mom.

The two had barely spoken over the years, and if it weren’t for us girls they would have lost touch altogether. When my father found faith, he sent my mom a card with her favorite poem on the front of it… I think it’s something by E.E. Cummings. Whatever the card said on the front, I do remember what it said on the inside.

“‘What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul.’

Katherine, I have no anticipation you’ll ever forgive me, but I still need to tell you how sorry I am. I lost myself, and when I lost myself I lost something even more important to me, you.

I know how hard it was to live with me while I was running from myself, because I had to live with that man even longer than you did. You never deserved that, I’m so sorry. I’m happy to say, I’m not running any more, at least not from myself.

I hope we can sit down and talk again, someday.

I love you,

Anthony.”

As it would turn out, one thing my dad hadn’t really thought about in terms of the whole ‘witness for the prosecution’ thing was that he’d never see us again if he joined the witness protection program, but that he’d never see anybody again if he didn’t.

My mom, because I think she still loved him deep down; because we didn’t have much to stick around for; and because she believed in what Dad was doing, agreed to join the program as a family. The plan was that we would be relocated to nearby towns after the trials.

However, during the trials and the WitSec training, we all realized my dad wasn’t full of shit, he really was a changed man. My sisters and I were as worried about him changing as we were of him being the same. We were afraid that he would be one of those lunatic born again fundies. We were scared he would be judgmental, and homophobic, and anti-women, and self-righteous. He wasn’t though. There were still flashes of the old man, but it was clear he was trying really hard to treat us with kindness, and humility, and grace.

During those months, there were lots fights, and crying, and accusations, and forgiveness; and in the end my parents told us they were getting married again. The government said they could just make them legally married when we relocated with new identities, but my parents wanted an actual wedding service. It was the five of us, some US Marshalls, and the chaplain from a local donut factory.

That was thirteen years ago.

Now we all live in a small town on the coast of Oregon. My dad is ‘retired,’ he’s the Deacon at a small Episcopal church in town. We all started going to services with him after we moved.

Our old lives were gone. Our old names, social security numbers, credit scores… all dead. We are new people, with new identities. People have always wondered why the whole family cracks up laughing when people ask us if we’re born again Christians. They have no idea.

the sweet smell of grape kool-aid. [trigger #55]

Summer is here! Just two more weeks of school and I’ll have officially graduated from the seventh grade. Gone will be my second year with a locker, and changing clothes for gym class, and switching classrooms every period. Ha, I just wrote period.

Seriously, though. I can’t wait! My entire year revolves around the end of the school year. This year ends on a half-day. We get out at 11:54. It will officially be the greatest moment of my life, the beginning of summer vacation.

I can already imagine it in my mind. We’ll spend the whole morning cleaning out our lockers. Big trash cans along the center of the hallways will be there for the express purpose of catching all the shit that has piled up on the bottom of our lockers.

After locker clean-out, the teachers will simply do whatever they can to keep us occupied and distracted so there isn’t a riot. Then, the bell will ring and it will begin our glorious walk out of school for the last time as seventh graders. I’m going to totally pwn this summer vacation.

Once I get home from school on that last day, I will sit in the living room and do literally nothing, just because I can. After that will come two months of movie theaters, video games, football at the park, trips to the mall, sleeping in ’til the afternoon, cookouts, theme parks, and the sweet smell of grape kool-aid.

Summer, FTW!

traipsing through honeysuckle. [trigger #53]

Her hike was nearing the four hour mark, but still she was angry at Paul. The way he treated her so much of the time was infuriating. Everyone thinks he’s so handsome and charming and sweet, but when they are alone he’s a manipulative, passive aggressive monster. She knew it was time to walk away from him, even though she was scared of being alone again.

She paused for a break and discovered some honeysuckle to her right. She thought about how apt honeysuckle could be as a description of some aspects of life, some people for instance. Honeysuckle looks pretty, it smells sweet, but its berries are mildly poisonous; not poisonous enough to kill you, but enough to make you nauseous. The taste of the berries is bitter, so in nature it’s unlikely you’d eat enough to be too harmful, unless one was starving to death. That’s what happens when one is too lonely when she comes across a honeysuckle person, she is so hungry for connection that she might eat down huge handfuls of the foul berry without a thought before being overcome with waves of terrible sickness.

She was in one of those times in her life now with Paul, and she felt her resolve steel even more that it was time for a change in her relational diet. Paul had to go.

singing in the stairwell. [trigger #25]

Ed was having one of those lonely days, where he felt depressed being alone, but felt too anxious and irritable to be around people.

He figured the best thing to do would be to go for a walk and be around people without the need to carry on a conversation.

On his way down the stairs from his apartment building he ran into Jenny, his new neighbor down the hall. They’d been friendly so far, and it was already known between the two that they each enjoyed a good episode of Doctor Who.

Jenny asked Ed if he’d seen the episode the night before, and the two spent a few minutes chatting on the landing between floor’s four and five about their favorite parts. This led them into more conversation, and before they knew it they’d been talking for 15 minutes about random nerd related content. It felt nice, and Ed had forgotten about his foul mood from earlier.

It was around then that Won came up the stairs, carrying a cold twelve pack of beer in each hand. When he noticed that the current topic of conversation was favorite childhood television programming, he laid down the beer to join in. Before long, and without much prompting, he found he was popping open a beer for Jenny, Ed, and himself.

As everyone knows, conversations about great childhood tv shows can go on for some time, and it was about an hour later that each of them were on their third beer, having by now been joined by Tom and Mary, who had been on their way downstairs to find some dinner.

As it so often does, the conversation surrounding childhood television shows resulted in conversation about which of these shows had the best theme songs. Thus, helped along by a little too much alcohol in too short a time period, this impromptu party was singing their favorite kid show theme songs with each other.

It was then, singing along to the theme song to Gummy Bears at the top of his lungs in the apartment stairwell, that Ed had the happy thought that this day had turned out far better than he anticipated.

jogging uphill smoking a cigarette. [trigger #13]

It was one of his dark days. They were all dark, but today was especially bad. He rolled over and looked at the clock. 3:10pm. He pushed the shame of losing another day to sleep down inside and tried to find the will to get moving. It was that time in the afternoon when he knew he could slip back into sleep if he tried. He also knew that would cost him another 45 minutes at the minimum.

Taking a deep breath, he finally rolled his feet off the side of the bed and got up. He sat down at his computer and checked his email. Lots of garbage, most everything coming from a random spam generator somewhere out in the internets. He lost another 30 minutes staring at random websites he didn’t have the energy to read.

He took a shower, scrubbing himself clean and hoping for an infusion of energy from the scalding water.

After getting dressed he sat down at the dinner table. He wondered if he’d get anything at all done. Pathetic. He thought of everyone else he knew. So productive and useful. Contributing members of society. He didn’t do much but eat and attempt to sleep, even though he never really felt like getting around to either of those.

He was ashamed at how little he got done. How little he moved. He’d defend himself if anyone else said these things about him, but only because they sounded so like the voices inside his own head and heart.

It wasn’t fair, he thought. His deal wasn’t square in this life. Everyone else seemed to move so easily, like they were on a people mover at the airport, or an escalator. Even when climbing to great heights they mostly just had to walk casually, with a bit of determination, and they’d get where they were going. He felt more like he was running uphill smoking a cigarette. He would strain and struggle and wheeze, never quite feeling fully awake or alive, and yet he never seemed to be anywhere new.

And that’s why he was always hiding. He knew he couldn’t let the pain surface, there’d be no one left if he did that. He was scared of being alone, even though alone was how he most often felt. So, he would make vague references to his depression without letting anyone really see how much it hurt, how hard it was to breathe, like his soul was trying to suck air through a wet blanket.

He sighed and grabbed his car keys, he needed cup of coffee or a stiff drink. Maybe both.